I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
