there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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