Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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