oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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