I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
