I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
