I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
