i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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