i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
