Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My penis needs a shock collar
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
