dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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