I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
