I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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