Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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