she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
