Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
