i think my tv is drunk
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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