FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
