I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
