one two three fourrrrnication!
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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