No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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