You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
