i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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