no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
