I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
