If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
