Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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