he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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