best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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