An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
