textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
