i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
