new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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