I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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