Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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