Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
