sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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