Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
