I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
