You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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