Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
