Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
