remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Dear god my vagina.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
