when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You ruined the universe
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
