I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Randomize
