I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
