ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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