Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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