I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
