Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Randomize
